Can Somebody Deliver More Snacks Here? Confessions From Day 14 of Quarantine

Not even sure how I made it to day 14 already, because it seems like a million light years ago that we found out we are going into quarantine, with schools, restaurants and cafes all closing on the same Monday. Strange, I thought at first. Then I thought, “finally, they are taking a drastic decision before everything is going to hell in this miniature country”. Then I thought “OK,I can do this. We are safe, we are together, we are healthy, that’s all that matters.” Right? And from day 1 up to this day 14, I have not written a single word or sentence yet, because every time I attempted to open up a blank page and pour my thoughts over, I was lovingly interrupted by “MOMMY CAN I WATCH TV NOW?”, or a scream of hunger, boredom or poop alert – where I have to hurry and wipe off – a very disgusting, non-appealing, non-sexy activity I always hope my husband would take over but he doesn’t.

So coming back to day 65….Sorry, 14. It’s not that it’s hard, because thank God I only live with ONE fire-spitting dragon in the house. It’s just that this path towards discovering the self-confidence, empowering, elevating benefits of boredom is sometimes paved with a lot of frustration, anger and the need FOR SOMEONE TO PLAY WITH ME. And no, I don’t mean myself following that path, because I have no idea what boredom looks like.

But a 4-year old who is used to playing and having activities all day long is somewhat struggling in finding the joys of being by himself for 3 minutes in a row. Nevermind.

Does anyone have any idea why the hell do kids serenely pass by their father relaxing on the couch or watching Formula 1 on their laptops and run straight to the mother (ME) who is either in the shower, making home made lasagna, or happily enjoying 5 minutes locked inside the bathroom, and proceed shamelessly to ask for snacks or for changing the episodes of Fireman Sam on Netflix?

Do they just NOT see the fathers sit there doing nothing? Do they intentionally ignore them so they can bother US? What kind of evil intentions are these? And what the fuck do these humans do all day long behind that computer, seriously now? I mean the whole fucking world is on stand by, don’t tell me you’re reporting live to BBC every 30 minutes, predicting rises and falls on the stock exchange market or having video conferences all day long with the presidents of the UN?

*BRB the kid found me and is now hitting me with a pillow. *

Anyways, as I am surfing through this thing called stay-at-home, stay-away-from-human-beings, and try to stay sane amidst this social distancing, I can’t help but wonder: how are we to keep a balance between a chaotic day with no real schedules with kids, a healthy lifestyle – when all you wanna do is raid the fridge from am to pm-, and also stay pretty and appealing and smell nice, while keeping the house together. By the way, is there any point whatsoever in keeping the house clean? Food for thought.

This is also a great time to discover how many times a day I hear the word “MOM” around the house – my guess is that it’s slightly over 3,000? I mean seriously, do your kids ever say “DAD”??? Do they ever ask for their FATHERS? Do they ever open their dad’s toilet door when they are enjoying their quiet time there?? DO THEY?

Because my son these days is basically my shadow. Wherever I am, he’s at. Wherever I hide, he finds me. Sometimes I try to silently sneak behind him so I can go to my bedroom or bathroom without being followed. But in 95% of the cases it doesn’t work. It’s like he has an invisible alarm sensor stuck to my underpants that immediately goes off as soon as I distance myself with more than 1 m from him. Oh wait, I’m not wearing underwear these days, I forgot. CAN I HAVE SOME FUCKING PRIVACY PLEASE I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE SHARING MY TOILET SPACE WITH YOU. And it’s not the baby-type of following, it’s more of a full-grown kid following kind, of a human being searching for company and fun and a discussion partner.

Oh by the way, did you know how cool it is to shower in front of an underage public every single morning? Yes, it’s like a live stream show, I swear, where my son grabs a chair – if there’s no laundry he can sit on-, places it just in front of me, and will literally sit there and stare at me, perhaps also make some conversation, throw in some jokes, analyse my intimate areas and also sometimes has the nerves to get angry that he’s being splashed with thin particles of water, in case you didn’t know how to make the most out of your shower, you’re welcome.

Not sure if my thoughts make any sense, but I guess my question is not totally about how we are going to be balanced until quarantine days are over, because let’s face it, this is not the time to be balanced, disciplined and to achieve high milestones in every aspect of your child’s mental development or the household’s appearance. These are uncertain times, filled with a lot of questions that we don’t have answers for; days that unfold without following the slightest plan sometimes; and events that make us feel so small, we couldn’t even find ourselves on a map.

While everyone on Instagram is sharing tips and tricks on how to schedule a full day with the kids, how to be productive while working from home, how to stay on top of your groceries while also supporting small local businesses, I often find myself wondering, why the world can not stop even in these times, at least for a second… Taking it slow is the only way I know how to operate since being in quarantine at home. I take each day as it comes, and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Today is different than yesterday, and tomorrow will be different from today, and I guess this is what makes these days so valuable. Because we finally get the chance to slow down. We learn to let things unfold.

We learn to cope with what we have – our family, thank God, our existing snacks – which are never ever ever enough for fuck’s sake- and our resources. Patience being one of the crucial ones.

So I’m learning to practice patience while staying sexy in my bathrobe until midday. Or sometimes until it’s time to change in my nightgown. Still, can somebody deliver more snacks over here, I feel like I’m running out too quickly, thanks.

How about you? What are your #QuarantineMilestones?

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