Real Talk Essays: A Love Story To The Younger, Kidless Me by Realmomster Cristiana Petre

Back to myself

Hi, 2016 Cristiana.

Long time no see. It’s been 3 years full of… kids? Yeah, 2 kids happened in those years and I’m still processing this. I know we haven’t seen each other that often. I guess I just got trapped in the Motherhood Cave. It’s a magical place where I’m this uber loved queen by two uber cute tiny humans, but it can also be a very dark place where I get lost in guilt and fear. But hey, let’s remember the good times, right? Remember the first time we met again and went to rehearse with the band? What a feeling! How I missed the noise, the echo of the amplifier, the thrill. Then we took a break because guess what! I had ANOTHER baby. Naught naughty, I know. So yeah, back to the cave! But come on, old Cris, we met again at Sziget this year! It only took us 3 years, but it was worth it! And then at the tattoo saloon. And for a few moments in front of the laptop where I started working at my book project again. Yes, you’re right. We don’t see each other as often as I would like to. But when we do it’s YOLO time, girl!

The truth is that… I fell in love. Like reaaal bad. I want to be there. In the cave. Our cave. Those first years are intense but amazing. Each time the boys crawl in my arms, I think to myself “Is this the last time they’ll let me hug them?”. They we’re newborns the other day. Now Luca is almost 3 and Iancu almost 2. There will come one day when that incredible hug will no longer be needed. Not like that. Not it that “you’re my everything” way. So I want to be here. Tape it all in my head. But you’re still my getaway car. When tantrums, tiredness, worries hit, I need you. So Spotify moments and coffee with the old Cris is always the cure. And Monday yoga. And the rare “I feel like writing or play ukulele” moments. Just bare with me, ok? I’m just living some crazee rollercoaster times right now. That “The adrenaline rush is amazing, man!” state of mind, but also the “Please, let me get down nooow!” part. I guess you can just call it LOVE.

Yours truly,
2019 Cristiana

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